EPL: January Roundup

Just when we thought that Arsene Wenger could see again, his Spatial Restinoblastimic Hypertropa is acting up again. When Diaby got himself sent off against Newcastle, Wenger couldn't see the incident, again! Doctors have raised fears that it might have already spread to his ears as well after he failed to hear what Fabregas said to the referee when Arsenal were denied a goal against Everton. Spatial Restinoblastimic Hypertropa is a contagious eye disease commonly found among the members of League Managers Association in which the person loses his ability to see anything outside the opposition's penalty box.

In a research being conducted at University of Liverpool, it has been found that there is a strong correlation between Chelsea's form and the frequency of vibration of Ancelotti's eyebrow. "We have been following him since his Milan days. Today's result has certified our theory as his eyebrow did not even move once. We are looking into the possibility whether his eyebrow can be used to predicting earthquakes and cyclones. We believe the eyebrow has some divine power behind it", said researchers who kept a close watch on his eyebrow during the match in which his team lost to the biggest and the most successful club in England.

In other news, Mr. Ferguson suffered 2nd degree burns around his nose after Wolves ended their unbeaten streak. It is a well known fact that his nose gets hot and turns pink whenever United play badly. His players showed no real desire to win the match and kept giving away the ball which made him quite incensed. We talked to the club doctor who said, "His nose recorded an all time high temperature on Saturday. I have advised him to wear a nose cooling gear-usually worn by clowns, in the coming matches"

Scotland has declared three days of state mourning after El Hadji Diouf finalised his loan move to Rangers. On the other hand, there is a jubilant mood among English fans as another diver has moved out of England. OptaJoe tells us that the diving numbers had already come down by 90% after Ronaldo's big money move to Madrid.

A Man City insider has told us that they are planning to invest in businesses involving renewable sources of energy such as the solar farm and wind farm as they are preparing for life after oil runs out. City are used to paying transfer fees and wages not in pound sterling but in oil. The reason behind the famous Tevez transfer request was also the same. "The club gives me 3000 barrels of oil every week. What I am supposed to do with that? I have no money with me. Mascherano used to loan me some money to buy food and clothes but now he has gone for bench warming in Barcelona.", said Tevez.

And finally, a certain Chelsea player has now accepted that Liverpool are a bigger than Chelsea. He was in a delusional state since last few days but finally came to his senses after watching Chelsea fans completely outsung by travelling Kopties in their own backyard.

You'll Never Walk Alone!!

Graphs 101

Who wins when your head says one thing and penis says another?

Curriculum Vitae: José Mourinho

The Special One posing for Playgirl

Hi, I'm José Mourinho. I specialize in celebrating goals and mocking others. I am the awesomest man who ever lived. Shaddup you eediots and have a look at my CV.

For Mour of José, visit the Special1TV.
Be Champions!!!

An Open Letter To Roy Hodgson

Dear Mr. Hodgson,

I wasn't very happy when I learnt that you have been appointed the manager of the biggest and the most successful club in England. But it is not the Liverpool way to discount somebody even before he has begun his job. When you checked in at Anfield you said that it will take 10 games for you to show what you can do with this team. You have been incharge of Liverpool for 28 games now and I think it is a fair time to judge you.

Out of the 17 League outings, your record reads 6 wins, 4 draws and 7 losses. Yes 7 Losses!!! That means, going into a match we are more likely to lose than win. Yet you continue to defend yourself. You keep comparing Liverpool to Fulham and you feel that expectations are too high at Anfield. Mr. Hodgson, do you have any idea how big a club Liverpool is? This week you claimed that anyone who succeeds you won't be able to do a better job than what you are doing with the current set of players. Mr. Hodgson, please stop pulling this kind of crap out of your ass. Let me tell you, this team has got 15 players that went to South Africa this summer. You have the best striker in the world, best attacking midfielder in the world and arguably the best goalkeeper in the world at your disposal. If you can't win with this team, you won't win with any team.

Your time is up

1. Tactics: Your tactic seems to very simple. Defend deep at home and deeper away. I don't know what do you say in your team talks. But whatever it is, it is making them play like a frightened turtle who refuses to come out of his shell. It is a FACT that you have managed just 13 away wins in six years of management in the Premier League. Rafa won 13 away games out of 19 in a single season(2008-09).

2. Transfer Activity: When the transfer window closed shut you said you are happy with the dealings you have done. But now when the results aren't going your way, you have suddenly realised that it is Rafa's squad not yours. Anyways you signed 4 players in the summer transfer window - Poulsen(30), Konchesky(29), Joe Cole(29) and Meireles(27). Out of these, the first three have failed miserably. And I thanked God when you failed in your attempt to sign Carlton Cole on the deadline day. Poulsen has a severe case of colour blindness. He can't differentiate between Red and Blue which explains all those misplaced passes and tackles. I don't see the logic of sending Insua out on loan and spending money on a 29 year old left back who can neither defend nor attack.

3. Media Conferences: Here are some of the stupid things you have said in the last six months.

a) Before the City game: “I hope we don’t get beaten 6-0”. You must have reveled in the fact that we lost by just 3 goals.

b) Before the Al-Hilal friendly: “I hope we don’t get beaten too heavily”. A great tip for rookie managers.

c) You failed to defend Torres after Ferguson accused him of diving. Later you went on to say that “When a great player like Wayne Rooney is looking to leave his club, Manchester United will be a position to target a lot of players around the world.I don’t think Fernando Torres will be the only striker they target and I don’t think that we will be the only club that will be worried their striker can be targeted." Mr. Hodgson, you don't understand what Liverpool Football Club stands for. FYI, Torres will never go to ManUnited even if they pay him a million quid a week.

d) After the Everton game: “To get a result here and win the game would have been utopia. We didn’t score goals and Everton did but I refuse to accept that we were in any way outplayed or any way inferior.” Firstly, we won regularly at Goodison under Rafa and secondly, go get your eyes checked.

e) After getting totally outplayed at Goodison: "I saw the statistics the other day from the Everton game and I've never in my Premier League career seen statistics as positive as they were in terms of passing, accuracy and tempo of passing, number of shots and crosses."

f) “What do you mean do my methods translate? They have translated from Halmsteds to Malmo to Orebo to Neuchatel Xamax to the Swiss national team.” No disrespect to any but are these really names of football clubs?

g) Before the Northampton game: “They’ll be a formidable challenge – there’s no question about that.” A team lying 17th in the 4th division of English football. You certainly had a lot more confidence in them than your own players. And certainly Northampton didn't disappoint you.

h) After the Blackpool defeat: “Unfortunately, when you give yourself an uphill task with a 0-2 you’ve got to expect it’s going to be very difficult in the second half against a team of Blackpool’s quality. There are 31 games left, but when you are in the relegation zone you are in a relegation battle.” Yeah, after all Blackpool are the champions of Europe.

i) After the Trabzonspor win: “Today was a famous victory" No, it wasn't. Under Rafa, Istanbul was a famous victory, Bernabeu was a famous victory, Camp Nou was a famous victory, San Siro was a famous victory.

j) Last press conference: "We're still in the FA Cup." Thats because we haven't played a single match in the FA Cup.

k) "It would have been a shame if we beat Utrecht today"

l) "'I think it’s a bit unfortunate that after such a good game of football, everything revolves around the fact that Liverpool didn’t win it.” And all this time I used to think that it was about winning.

4. Relationship With Players: You seem to dislike players who are attack minded. You had frozen Agger out of the team before he got injured. You play Konchesky over Aurelio and you publicly criticised Glen Johnson (may be that is your way of motivating players).

5. Gentleman??: I don't understand why there is too much talk in press about you being a nice guy. If anything you are disrespectful and arrogant. According to you, everything that is wrong with the club is the fault of previous manager. Let me remind you Mr. Hodgson, you were brought in to correct those mistakes and not to blame the previous manager for every single mistake you make. We would have kept him if we wanted to maintain the status quo. You also mocked Rijkaard by saying "He must be a great manager to have been sacked by Galtatasaray". In case you don't know, he has a Champions League and two La Liga titles on his CV and in 30 years all you did was lose a cup final. You also hold the unique distinction of getting Blackburn relegated who were the most expensive side of the league at that time. You criticized fans when they were protesting against H&G and again when they were chanting King Kenny's name. Mr. Hodgson, the fans pay their hard earned money to come and watch the match. They have every right to sing and chant whatever they like if your boys plays like a mid table team. You also went on to say that Rafa didn't allow King Kenny to come to the training ground. First of all, what you said was dead wrong and secondly, it will be better if you concentrated more on the team affairs rather than what Rafa did or did not do. May be you should ask yourself, why Anfield holds Houllier and Benitez in such high regard and why almost all the fans want to get rid of you as soon as possible.

This week you said, "It doesn't bother me because I can't do more than I am doing, I can't work harder, I can't work better." We lie behind Bolton, Sunderland and Newcastle in the league table with a goal difference of -1 and yet it doesn't bother you. You don't own up to your mistakes, you dislike the fans, you always try to please your fellow managers, you criticize your own players and you are the worst manager in the history of Liverpool Football Club. Mr. Hodgson, you are an embarrassment to this great club and I think it will be best for both of us if you walk away with the little dignity you have left.

Regards,

A Disgruntled Red

An IIT for RGs

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For those of you who don't know what RG is, Evelyn Richter's MA Thesis on Student Slang at IIT Madras lists RG as:

RG /ɑːr dʒiː/ noun. Relative Grading [academics; acronym; from ENGLISH].

RG /ɑːr dʒiː/ verb. To get ahead of someone in a mean way [fellow students]: We’ll all RG him da.
origin: [zero-derivation; from IITM SLANG] see noun RG.

RGer /ɑːr dʒiːjər/ noun. A person who RGs [fellow students]: He is an extreme RGer.
origin: [derivation; from IITM SLANG] see verb RG.
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The Indian Institute of Technology for RG, popularly known as IIT-RG is an autonomous university correctional facility located in the dense forests of Chhattisgarh. It was set up through an act of Parliament with the aim to weed out the habit of RGing and to promote the values of social harmony, collaboration and equity among students. It is the only institute in the country to be recognised as an Institute of No National Importance Whatsoever. The institute currently houses 542 undergraduate RG Gods and 13 matak RG Gods. IIT-RG has no research scholars as there isn't a single research scholar in the country who has the minimum IQ required to become a RGer.

Logo of IIT-RG

Admission: The students are eligible to be admitted into IIT-RG after completing three semesters in any of the IITs. The selection procedure involves nomination followed by voting by fellow students based on the single transferable vote system. Students with lower GPAs carry a higher weightage of vote than those who have higher GPAs. This system ensures that there is no bias against weaker students and the selection is solely based upon merit.

Administration: It is strictly made sure that none of the students go on to become professors in the same institute so as to prevent the RG student - RG teacher nexus. All the faculty is taken from other IITs. The professors who have failed more than 15% of their class in the last three years of teaching have to undergo a compulsory tenure of three years at IIT-RG. The director of the institute is a former dean of IIT Madras. He is a known sadist from his Madras days where he used to punish students for no reason.

Hostels: Just like any other IIT, the students at IIT-RG don't have a social life but for totally different reasons. They come out of their rooms only once a semester when they watch a movie which involves something related to betrayal. All the inmates reside in a single hostel which was popularly known as Auschwitz. The name was later changed on humanitarian grounds.

Departments:

1. Aerospace Engineering – Sivkasi Fireworks factory recruits all its workers from here. The students are employed in rolling the explosive for Diwali rockets.

2. Biotechnology – The department has taken up a ambitious project of developing a pill which will enable instant sex change of ugly boys into beautiful girls. Despos at other IIT campuses are very much excited about this project as students who are found RGing will be given such pills and sent to other IITs.

3. Chemical Engineering – Stress levels are increasing every year in other IITs leading to more and more suicides. Chem junta are given the task of developing a magic poison which upon consumption will put the professors to sleep rather than the student.

4. Civil Engineering – Since, the civil junta lies lowest in the RG Index, they are the only ones to be awarded foreign internships. Last week, the first batch of interns came back from Iraq along with other daily wage labourers. The students were given the task of laying the bitumen roads.

5. Electrical Engineering – The biggest RG Bastards are found in this department. I myself was severely tormented for five years by these stupid RG Elec Maggus. All I have heard them say is “I don't know”, “Look into the book”, “I wasn't the one who complained about you.” When they are not studying, they are found licking professor's ass. Their favourite courses are those where the assignments carry the majority share of marks which gives them the chance to RG others everytime there is an assignment submission. These fuckers encourage professors to take more surprise quizzes and push for compulsory attendance. When these magodis are sent to IIT-RG, they are given electric shocks until they start believing that CD-ROM drive is a coffee cup holder.

6. Mechanical Engineering – The department sends its students to Pappu Puncture Wala and Bihar Tyre Wala for their B.Tech Projects.

7. Metallurgical and Materials Engineering – Meta students are sent to Jaduguda Uranium mines where they are subjected to different radiation levels. These experiments on students has helped a lot in determining the safe radiation levels, thus saving the life of many mine workers. Last year was celebrated as the Year of Safety in the department as only 4 students died and another 12 suffered genetic defects.

8. Naval Architecture and Ocean Engineering – One week before the convocation, the students of Nav Arch are left on a deserted island in Andaman and Nicobar group of islands. They are given the task of getting out from the island without any external help. This is the ultimate test of their ship building capability. They are awarded degrees only if they reach the institute before the convocation.

Grading: IIT-RG also follows a grading system which is very similar to the ones at other IITs. However, the grade points associated with letters is different from other IITs.

Memoranda of Understanding: The institute maintains friendly relations with other universities across the globe for exchange of notorious students. The female students are sent to Afghanistan while male students are sent to Sub-Saharan African countries. The institute also has a industrial consultancy division which has signed many agreements with the industries. The senior students who were found guilty of not ragging their juniors are given to some high voltage device companies for conducting various tests on them. Till date not much known about the whereabouts of those students.

Extra-Curricular Activities: These antisocial students hardly participate in any extra-curricular activities which has forced the administration to make them compulsory. The institute keeps coming under attack from naxals due to its geography. NCC cadets are not given a pass certificate unless they are involved in atleast two encounter with the naxals. Students are also made to play some of the most dangerous sports. Some of the safer sports are bull fighting, bull riding and cave diving.

Notable Alumni: The IIT-RG graduates have gone on to do big things in life. Most of the graduates prefer to become professors in other IITs where they get to do what they love most - sucking the life out of innocent students. A few have gone to work in industries as well and have been involved in some of the biggest corporate frauds of all time.

Main Samay Hoon

Whatever we see around us was contained in an infinitely dense point up till 14 billion years ago. The explosion of that point led to the creation of space and time. The extraordinarily dense ball was even smaller than the smallest I can imagine. Ever since the big bang took place, there is an ongoing process of redistribution of energy. This has led to many interesting phenomenon including the "life" on earth.

When I will die, my body will probably be cremated. My body constitutes of about 10²⁷ atoms, most of these atoms will collide with oxygen and turn into gases and the remaining ashes will be scattered in river or sea. The carbon atoms in my body will one day convert to carbon dioxide and contribute towards global warming. After wandering around the atmosphere, it will return to be separated from those two oxygen atoms through photosynthesis. The sunlight will supply the required energy to break the carbon dioxide molecule. This energy will be in the form spin-1 boson particles known as photons. These massless photons are formed in our sun due to the nuclear mass difference between two hydrogen atoms and a helium atom. These photons were once the part of hydrogen nucleus which was formed about 3 million years after the big bang. The hydrogen atom itself constitutes of two up quarks and one down quark which were formed about 10^-27 seconds after the big bang.

My ashes will turn into nutrients that will help the plants grow. You might be the one who will end up eating those plants. And one day your body will feed somebody else. The cycle will go on and on. It takes around a trillion atoms to form a human cell. Millions of these cells of my body die every day and millions new are formed. A tiny part of my body might have come from Hitler, another from a dog, another from a rock, another from a dinosaur and another might have come from Gandhi. I am like the 40 year old jeep at my home which doesn't have a single original screw left but still it's the same old jeep for us. I am nobody. I am just a series of parallel processes named Ajey. The emotions I feel are nothing but the chemical reactions taking place in my brain. Matter and energy comes in, stays together for some time and then goes away. There isn't much difference between living and non living things. Some years from now, we will see robots who will show emotions. This will be done by similar circuits as in our brains. Most of the viruses are neither living nor non-living. "Livingness" is not a binary variable but it's more of a continuum.

Traditionally, it was the job of philosophers to answer the big questions of life. But the studies in philosophy weren't able to keep up with the knowledge of modern science. Today, it's the scientists who are trying to find the answer of questions such as 'What is the ultimate purpose of life'? Its heartening to see that science has been able to do so much progress in the last century despite much resistance. We are used to blindly believe whatever we are told. We believe in God because our parents told us so. We believe that opposite charges attract each other because our teacher told us. A considerable number of people in this world know that two masses attract each other but not even a tiny fraction of them would know how and why.

Science is bemusing yet interesting. When Einstein came up with the idea of quantization of energy or the speed of light being constant, it sounded more like fiction than reality. Today, scientists are very close to suggesting a theory which will be an extension of the various string theories. According to Stephen Hawking, this theory known as the M-theory will explain how the universe came out of nothing in the big bang and most importantly M-theory will make the God irrelevant.

We have learnt so many new and strange things in the past century yet we know so little. The right way forward is to continue this quest for knowledge. Science has helped us a lot in improving our lives in a materialistic way and now people have started talking about using science to determine the human values. Hopefully, one day science will also be able to provide the answer to moral questions.

New Rules

New Rule #1. Doordarshan commentators should be sent to jail for bringing disrepute to the Hindi language. Such was the commentary during the Commonwealth Games that I have started telling people that I am from Tamil Nadu. Here are some of those golden words,

Aur ab celebrate kaise karein yeh samajh mein nahin aa raha hai manoj ko.

Rajpal push karne k liye taiyaar, aur Rajpal ka push vifal raha. (Can somebody tell me whether Rajpal is in hockey field or in a maternity ward)

Yeh yaha kitne keede hain , kitna behtereen zoom karke dikhaaya, bas ummeed yeh hai ki kahi yeh dengue ke keede to nahi hai. (After the bugs halted the ongoing tennis match for a few minutes)

Kaafi hasmukh lifter hain lekin ab serious ho gaye hain.

Sania Mirza ki body dekhiye, kaafi furti se service karti huyi. Darshako mein utsah. (The commentator was definitely utsahit about Sania's body)

Intellectual ability k karan northern ireland k mukkebaaj ne muqabla jeet liya

Jab hockey tez hoti hai tab nayan-sukh pradaan karti hai.

Jwala net pe tainat!

Janta abhi chup hai kyunki unhe pata nahi kiska samarthan karein.

Aaj bahut macchar hein yahan, Sania ekdum all-out gayi hain.

New Rule #2. Not all couples are lovely and almost all babies are ugly. You don't need to pretend anymore that all babies are cute. I can understand if somebody finds their own baby cute. But I have no clue why do strangers find them cute. Last week I heard somebody saying this to a hideous mother "Bilkul aap par gaya hai".

New Rule #3. All the football matches involving Manchester clubs should be for adults only. Here are the pictures from the last Manchester orgy(Oops! I meant derby) which was shown live on Indian television.

The boys from Manchester

New Rule #4. There should be an immediate ban on email ids such as dr.nutbag@gmail.com, pinhead.iitm@gmail.com FYI, this nutbag here is the only qualified medical doctor in entire India and Mr. Pinhead is the only person who has managed to pass out of IITM in the last decade.

New Rule #5. Scientology is certainly raising the bars of insanity set by other religions. This is a picture of an E-Meter which can help you in getting rid of the implants inside you. The story behind it is that about 75 million years ago, Xenu brought billions of aliens to our planet Earth and blew them up with H-bomb!! These aliens are still living inside our bodies and that is why we need to get our E-Meters asap.

Get rid of your implants

New Rule #6. 'Discover The Diamond In You' was released last year by Shahrukh Khan and Priyanka Chopra along with the author Arindam 'No Brains' Chaudhary. The trio has now entered the Guinness record books for having the lowest average IQ ever present at a book release.

New Rule #7. Throwing shoe is going out of fashion and I am not liking it one bit. A shoe attracts more attention than an adjournment motion in the parliament and there are so many who deserve it.

We are looking for a shoe

New Rule #8. No more liking of your own FB status message. It is lame and desperate.

New Rule #9. Innovation is severely lacking among today's teenagers when it comes to coming up with new and witty gaalis. These kids are learning cheap and clichéd gaalis from TV shows like Big Boss and Rakhi ka Insaaf. When I was in school, there weren't any gaalis on Doordarshan, we had to come up with our own gaalis. This thinking process helps in the all round development of a child's psyche. I think its about time that we should consider having a 'Gaali Bee' just like the Spelling Bee.

New Rule #10. Roy Hodgson has a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. He needs to shut his mouth up and do his talking on the pitch. He doesn't like the fans, he thinks that the expectations are unrealistic at the club, he has no idea how big a club Liverpool is and most importantly he doesn't understand the Liverpool way. And I can go on and on about his PR gaffes so its better that I do a separate post on him.

New Rule #11 - Indians should stop licking Obama's ass. We are not and never have been America's ally. At best we are their 'friends with benefits'. The next morning after the night of passion they go back to their old girlfriend in Pakistan. It is terrorism only if it is directed against them. Now they are talking about bringing the "Good Taliban" into power in Afghanistan. What is this Good Taliban anyway? I guess if you leave the stoning and raping out, Talibans are pretty much OK with everything else. US doesn't give a shit about Afghan women. They don't care how badly it will affect India and the entire South Asia if Taliban comes back to power. They didn't ask us before they went into Afghanistan and now that the bees have come biting them in the ass, they want to put those bees in India's underwear. They have put unilateral sanctions on Indian companies doing business with Iran. They want Wallmart to come to India but don't want the Indian services companies in US. Republicans may be stupid in believing that our earth is just 5000 years old and dinosaurs and humans coexisted a few thousand years ago but they have always been much more friendly towards us than the Democrats.

This post is inspired by the New Rules segment of 'Real Time with Bill Maher'.